Modest beginnings

I won this farm as a booby prize on a game show when I was 15. Kids on Naboo are expected to start their careers at a ridiculously young age; they're allowed to change when they're older, of course, and often do, but they get an early start.

This is because of a (wholly unproven) Naboo superstition that the Naboo are unusually susceptible to senility in their middle age. You must start working as soon as possible so that you can build up a small personal fortune and/or pay hefty taxes towards a happy retirement. After age 40 or so, your brain deteriorates and you begin to get silly.

That's what we were taught as kids, but there's never been any scientific data to support or even suggest this myth of early-onset dementia. Naboo brains are physiologically no different from any other humans', although many adult Naboo still cling to the tradition as if they really believed it to be true. Perhaps they do.

Of course, it is all just a scam meant to trick Naboo youngsters into developing the kind of work ethic that would grind an older person into dust, so they can retire while they're still young enough to have some life in them, and old enough to appreciate it. And it works like a charm for most people. Even when children suspect trickery, they usually play along, because they can see the payoff.

Sadly, I couldn't. What I saw was a lot of fun to be had right away, and plenty of time to pay for it later. At the appalling age of 14, I had not yet chosen a vocation or ever held down any sort of regular paying job for more than a few weeks. My scholastic achievements had been unimpressive, and I lacked the creative talent to complement my, shall we say, artistic (i.e. disorganized) lifestyle. My parents were very worried.

Around that time, a very somber, pre-senile group of Naboo youths created a game show called Career Quest. (Naboo wit is directly proportional to age.) The winner would get a high-paying job at the Jedi temple on Coruscant. The loser would win a moisture farm on Tatooine. (Obviously, the game show's producers called in an elderly consultant to provide some irony.)

It was perfectly okay with me that I didn't win. I was happy to have a ready-made occupation handed to me. It wouldn't be very glamorous, but it wouldn't be too demanding, either.

So I thought. I was so wrong, but it all worked out eventually. I mended my mischievous ways and got the hang of moisture farming. Still, for many years, I would gaze into the night sky from time to time and wonder what my life would be like if I had won the grand prize.

I don't wonder any more. As it happens, my Career Quest opponent was still working for the Jedi, and surely killed, the day the Republic fell a dozen years ago. Soooo... yeah. I'm good.

Don't smoke, kids!

I admit it. I do indulge in a deathstick from time to time.

Also, I am a lousy horticulturist.

So, when my attempt to grow Devaronian chives failed, I had this small pot filled with very nice soil, and no actual plant. I planned to reuse the soil, but hadn't gotten around to it yet, and there I was this morning with a smoldering deathstick, and instead of stubbing it out in the sand as I usually do, I stubbed it out in the pot. Why? I don't know. Because it was there? I don't know.

I went about my errands for the day, and came back maybe seven hours later because I had left the pack of deathsticks in there and wanted another one.

I noticed that the top half of the pot, which was plastic, was scorched, and even melted in places. Apparently, my deathstick hadn't been completely extinguished, and it had burned through the organic material in the potting soil.

Disgusted, I took the pot outside to dump the ashes, and that's when I discovered that it was still smoldering.

What would have happened if I had let it go overnight? Would it have kept burning? Would the pot have melted? Would there have been a fire?

Not that it would have been a huge material loss, since there isn't a great deal around here that can burn, but still... what about smoke inhalation? I don't think I could take the irony of dying from smoke inhalation as a result of careless smoking habits.

I don't care about the melted pot, but the soil is ruined, and it'll be expensive to replace, although I'm tempted to give up gardening altogether. I know, gardening isn't as bad for me as smoking, but I'm a lot better at smoking.

Nosey McSnooperton

I went to Kenobi's for tea. I was a little early, but I didn't think he would mind.

As I approached, I noticed an unfamiliar speeder bike outside his house. I wondered if this visitor was someone Kenobi wanted me to meet, or if it was someone who was supposed to leave soon.

Etiquette on Tatooine being what it is, I wouldn't have worried about showing up on his doorstep while he had another guest; but Kenobi is an unusually private person and I thought I should be more discreet.

I came back a little while later (and a little late) to see the bike speeding off in the opposite direction. I couldn't make out who the rider was - I think it was an adult male, but not very tall, and possibly not human. Either his skin was black and red, or he was just wearing a tight-fitting mask of some type. With little tufts of yellowish hair along the top? Whoever it was, I didn't recognize him.

Kenobi didn't realize that I had noticed, or perhaps he was pretending not to realize. Either way, he wasn't going to discuss it with me. He apologized for not having the tea ready.

I hate tea and I think it is a ridiculous beverage. When you live on a planet as dry as Tatooine, it doesn't make sense to drink something that makes you urinate. It's usually too hot for tea, anyway. What's more, while I admit I am no expert, I have a feeling that Kenobi's tea and cleanliness standards are perhaps not very high. I refer to the occasional dead insect I find floating among the little leaves.

So I said, "that's all right, a cup of plain water would be fine. Is there anything wrong?"

Kenobi shrugged as he set the water to heat. (Most people drink their water just-boiled, even if they have to cool it off first.) Whatever was on his mind was going to remain a secret. In fact, for a while, he didn't even seem to remember why he had invited me.

We made awkward small talk for a while longer, and finally I blurted out, "look, if that guy on the bike was bothering you..."

Kenobi made that odd gesture that he makes when he is feeling impatient. He said, "that doesn't matter. Have some water."

"That doesn't matter," I agreed. Suddenly I was thirsty.

I hate it when he does that.

After that, we talked about the recent storm, and my crazy visit with the Darklighters, and finally Kenobi relaxed enough to explain why he had invited me.

At this point, I should explain that Kenobi is the person to talk to about software. Most of the farmers run their vaporators on Microsith or Macrostiff products, but I've been using Jedix for as long as I've known Kenobi, and I have less computer trouble than anyone I know. It's faster, more secure, and free. It's not very sexy, but then, I don't think that it's very sexy if six different farmers' vaporator control systems crash for an entire week just because someone felt like opening an email with the subject "CLICK ME!.. If Babies were Banthas..."

Maybe it's just me.

Kenobi wanted to show me that he had found a way to network a group of vaporators together such that they would each communicate directly to a common host machine instead of in a circuit. This is something you cannot do with other software. In fact, I didn't even think you could do it with Jedix.

And, as it happens, maybe you can't do it with Jedix either, because there's an obvious hardware limitation in that an agricultural or industrial vaporator expects to be a link in a chain, and not have both read and write privileges to the same device. (Residential vaporators aren't a solution either because they have standalone processors and don't communicate with a separate computer at all.)

I know that probably sounds like a ludicrous problem, but perhaps now you understand my frustration with the state of technological development under the Empire's control. There are countless, small improvements that could be made to all kinds of existing consumer and industrial products, but if the Empire isn't interested, it doesn't happen.

Kenobi stroked his beard for a while, seemingly miffed by my wet-blanket attitude. I didn't mean to be negative; I was just saying that great ideas alone are not enough.

"You know who could probably do this?" I offered in the way of concession.

"Don't say it," Kenobi warned.

"What is it with you and Lars?" I asked. "Is it Owen? Or is it Luke?"

Well, that did it. I should have known better than to open that can of Regulan bloodworms again, but it was a legitimate question. This thing, whatever it is, goes way beyond regular awkwardness. This is something that makes everyone in and around Anchorhead uncomfortable, and no one really understands why; only that you can't mention Kenobi to Lars, and you can't mention Luke to Kenobi. Even in the context of ordinary every day life, or in fulfilling a simple business need.

I have a feeling that Luke would love for someone to discuss all of this with him, but it's something that Kenobi and Lars are going to have to work out on their own.

I finally got Kenobi to agree that I could take the software and simply explain the hardware situation to Luke and Owen without mentioning Kenobi's involvement.

I thought that was my idea, anyway. But if I was coming up with my own ideas, why did I end up paying him for a small can of stale tea leaves?

Huh. I hate it when he does that.

"You love it," he said with a dismissive wave.

"I love it," I said. At least I was laughing.

Keep your silver lining - I'm here for the clouds

One nice thing about the storm - it blew a lot of unexpected moisture our way. I'd be happier about that if all my vaporators were up to spec, of course, but until the storm there was so little moisture I could hardly tell if they were working at all.

Catching up

I still haven't really gotten the hang of this blogging thing. I need to post more regularly, because if I don't, stuff piles up.

I didn't mean to be offline for so long, but it has been a BUSY week. Here's my executive summary:

1. My visit at the Darklighters' was lengthened by what the weather people are now describing as the worst sandstorm in ten years. I've been on this planet for 40 years and it hasn't been that bad for as long as I can remember. Fortunately, the Darklighters have a great repulsor system so we didn't get stuck. I left their place two days later than expected (waiting for the storm to let up a bit) and was relieved to see that my repulsor field had held up more or less okay too. One-Onegee made up the difference with our trusty shovel. I get frustrated with that droid, but I have to admit I couldn't get along without it.

2. I had no idea the Darklighters were so cool. Or so smart. Or so crazy. Seriously, it was great staying with them and getting to know them, but it was also pretty great getting home. The Hutt crime stories and Empire conspiracy theories were entertaining at first, but when I realized that Kane and Dofi were serious, they kinda started giving me the creeps. That's going to have to be a post in itself. BTW, there was neither pea soup nor pea cake. The peas weren't for me at all, apparently.

3. Speaking of giving me the creeps, I've got an order in for three cases of condenser coils, two cases of humector panels, and a big box of odds and ends. Kane tells me these parts may have "fallen off the back of a freighter" and I suspect that the shipment is probably part of the "legitimate" cargo in a big spice shipment for the Hutts. I am not entirely comfortable with this arrangement, but I can't argue with the price. I am getting a huge discount, and paying next to nothing for the shipping.

4. Some of the Guild farmers want to go to Bestine for a protest. I'm thinking about it. It will depend on when they decide to go and how long it will take me to make all the repairs and upgrades I need to do.

5. Some Jawas came by trying to peddle assorted junk. They must be pretty desperate, going door to door. I can't abide those filthy creatures. One time, one of Owen's droids' probe arms broke off somewhere on their property (this is why I don't buy those cheap R5 units) and got "lost." A few days later, a Jawa came to their door wanting to sell the arm back to them. I think the neighbors and I are all pretty much in agreement that the Jawas are going to have to stop making unannounced house calls. Maybe we can make a deal with them to park their sandcrawler someplace and let us know in advance.

6. I ran into Kenobi at Tosche Station and he invited me over for tea (yes, you read that right, TEA... he's a strange guy). The weird thing was that I was with Owen at the time, and when Kenobi approached us, Owen got a look on his face like he thought they were going to have a duel. Kenobi was polite, and said that Owen should join us for tea as well, but Owen just scowled.

Well, that's the week in a frogshell. I can't wait to find out what Kenobi wants to talk about (you see, it's never JUST tea, with that guy).

Peas and parts

The point - which I forgot to make - of all that previous ranting was that I need parts. I am reaching a crisis point with some of my vaporators. Everything seems to be breaking at once and no one has what I need. And of course it's the kind of situation where even buying a whole new vaporator wouldn't really solve the problem, because the same parts keep breaking in all of them. What I need is not a new vaporator, but several cases of coils. Preferably from some alternative manufacturer. And bought with WHAT money, exactly? Harvest time is still a ways off, and of course if I don't get these things fixed it won't be much of a harvest.

I was still stewing over this when I went to the market for some provisions and ran into little Biggs Darklighter, who is getting to be not so little lately. In fact, I think he is trying to grow a mustache. Or he might just need to wash more often. It's hard to tell, at his age.

It's a little-known, and somewhat uninteresting fact, that the Darklighters used to live at the Lars place. They were tenants, and the owner was some off-planet corporation. When that owner died, the new owner (who I think was actually distantly related to Ben Kenobi in some way) sold the place to Cliegg Lars. Meanwhile, the Darklighters moved to another area and got into mushroom farming, which led to other things, and they got into a partnership with the Hutts, and made a lot of money and came back here and built an impressive place.

But I digress. Little Biggs was there with his mother and his cousin, and with very little provocation I started griping about the equipment situation again. I confess, I don't really know the Darklighters well, and I only know Biggs because he is always loafing around the game room at Tosche Station with the other local kids. Unlike the other kids, he's hyper-social and seems to be fascinated with talking to adults about any subject. I can't figure out whether he is truly mature beyond his years, or if he's just an Eddie Haskell type of character who's good at making an impression on adults, but I have to give credit where it's due. He's a bright kid and the best thing his parents can do for him is to get him into a good school as soon as possible. They're working on it, but the mischief he gets into could interfere with that.

Biggs has a way of getting people to talk, without saying much himself. He'd make a great spy. I don't even know how he got me started, but before I knew it, he was writing down a list of all the parts I needed, and his mother Dofi was watching over his shoulder and nodding with an "oh yeah, this sounds familiar" look on her face. (Cousin Mary Sue was sulking in the background, rolling her freakishly violet eyes impatiently. Apparently, I was spoiling her shopping trip.)

Dofi invited me over for dinner. That was a surprise, since we've never been particularly social before, but she seemed to think that Kane could help me out with my list. I figured, what the heck. I noticed a bag of split peas in her basket, which could mean pea soup, and that's all the incentive I need.

Of course, it could also be pea cake. But I'm feeling lucky. More tomorrow.

Parts

Sometimes I feel like this whole place is falling in around my ears.

Fixing vaporators, or anything else on this planet for that matter, has become increasingly difficult over the years. It's not because the technology has been advancing too fast: on the contrary, most technologies have pretty much stagnated in the last ten years or so, which means your mechanical skills never get outdated.

The trouble is that it gets harder and harder to find replacement parts. It's always been a hassle to get things out here; the shipping fees are astronomical. (No pun intended.) But a lot of the industrial manufacturers have either gone out of business or been taken over by the Empire to build war machines in the last decade or so.

There is exactly ONE company that still makes new vaporators and parts. They are exactly the quality and price you would expect from a company that has no competitors.

A new condenser coil for a medium-size agro/industrial vaporator costs around 75. That's not a bad price. But shipping is 450! And that's PER coil! Because the factory is on Coruscant (the alleged bright spot in this galaxy), and we're out here.

But you're in luck! If the coil breaks while it is still under warranty, you can pay another 450 to send it back and they will refund your 75 credits. Don't spend it all in one place.

You can see why we don't like to buy new replacement parts from the factory. The vaporators are not cheap to buy or ship either, obviously, but they are a slightly better deal if you think of them as a bulk purchase of spare parts. The Guild puts in an order for a couple of new vaporators each year for this reason.

Most often, when I need a new part, I start by looking at my own dead vaporator collection to see if I already have what I need. If not, I ask around, and if I have to, I'll go into town and see if I can find it at a junkyard. (Salvage was always profitable on Tatooine, but it's been insane ever since the Empire took over the Republic.) As a last resort, I will check online and see if something is available within a few parsecs. Only if I am absolutely sure that the right part isn't available used, I'll get a new one from the Guild. But it's expensive.

And all that would still be bearable if the parts were compatible. They hardly ever are. Usually, they are different sizes, different brands, sometimes even different technologies. You almost always have to rig either the part or the vaporator (sometimes both) in order to get them to play nice together.

What I'm saying is that if you're looking for a compressor, you're lucky to find one at all. If it actually works and you don't have to repair it before you install it, you can consider yourself very fortunate indeed. And if it's truly compatible with the vaporator you're transplanting it into, you will probably kill yourself because you'll know that you've just had the luckiest day of your life and it's all going to be downhill from then on.

Don't even get me STARTED on what this does to the software.

The Skywalker kid is pretty good at the hardware retrofits. Kenobi (who isn't a moisture farmer but insists on using a residential vaporator that's always on the verge of collapse) is miserable with hardware, but he's a genius with software. You'd think Lars would see a sorely-needed business opportunity there, but... well, there's a lot of weirdness between Lars and Kenobi which I'm not sure I really understand, and I can't get into it now. Suffice it to say that I would really like to knock their heads together.

Next time Owen Lars complains that he can't find a decent water level sensor, I'm going to remind him what it was like when his father was running the farm, when the techno-industrial sector was thriving and healthy and you had a choice of coils, sensors, etc. I don't think he remembers how much better things were before the Empire took over and I don't think he's able to imagine how much worse they can get. Sure Coruscant is far away, but the misery is going to trickle out here sooner or later.